Some they may go for cocaine, I’m sure that if I took even one sniff it would bore me terrifically compared to the kick I get out of you.

November 11, 2010 § Leave a comment


  “Well heaven helps us now we’ve put or faith in other people, better strangers than anyone we know.”

So I found her. I had just turned right, towards the hotel I thought we had been in, onto the Champs Elysees and there she was. Sat so casually at a table at a café waiting to be served. It’s extraordinary isn’t it, the effect of circumstance, that a girl sat a table would have no effect on a waiter, but to me was like look down the barrel of a very large loaded gun, but more so much more. The screaming of not staring, the hot sweating, the call to act natural and for some reason, even though I have travelled from America to see this girl, the overwhelming desire not to be seen. I ducked right then doubled back. Back to the safety of out of site. I learned very young that hesitation and doubt are the fucking Antichrist when it comes to things like these and that the best thing to do was just throw yourself into it and think later, much later, after in fact. Regardless of what I had learned I was going to need a moment for this. I took a deep breath, I hadn’t been drunk for a few days so my head was squeaky clean and ready for anything. I breathed it out. Spread my stance to help with confidence, I would need that time to turn the corner. Shut up man, too much thinking I thought and throw my body round the corner on a b-line at the café to catch her attention in anyway that my brain would provide.

I turned it my walk got quicker as my confidence built, I hadn’t thought of a way to start conversation yet, I wasn’t looking up yet because I didn’t want to catch her eye too far away, but I had to check. I looked up, and their, at the the table, sat the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and an equally good looking man. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck. Damage limitation, save face, there will be time to think later and, of course, by think later, I mean drink later. Get out of there and for gods sake man keep your head down, if you don’t see her seeing you it will bother you a lot less, it will be like you were never here. I took the next turning I could without looking clumsy and only looking at my shoes. I turned the corner. Mission accomplished. Now time to face my brain. Fuck. It was like a twisting falling vomiting sensation, they say feelings are all in the mind, but I’ve been able to feel them physically since I became an adolescent. It’s a curse, you can’t turn them off. Thousands of answer less question shot to my head that I thought would never see the cold light of an answer. Who was the man? Had she cheated on him with me? How long had they been together?Did she love him? Fuck. Another trip to calculated insanity has cost me. I know, I know, I barley knew the girl, hell, I couldn’t pick her name out of a line up, but she was my hope and at the moment I have very little of that. She was the way out from all those fairy tales that drugged me. Fuck you Disney this is your fault. It’s your fault Walt, that I’m half slumped in a Paris back alley fighting my brain.

Then, hey what do you know? Who should turn the corner? Smiling like a summers day and a little out of breath from the run. Turns out her name is Alice. I only look up as she turns the corner and stands at the distance she first saw me without advancing. There’s a moment, just to clarify that we are who we think we are and then she throws her arms around me. We had one of those brief conversations, that you would have had to have had one to understand. One where you remember very little of the syntax or words at all. Just the facial expressions and the way it made you feel. It was her brother at the table, of course. She’s in the next room. I’m worried about how much I have riding on this hand.

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You are currently reading Some they may go for cocaine, I’m sure that if I took even one sniff it would bore me terrifically compared to the kick I get out of you. at No Longer an Astronaut..

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