Fear & self-loathing.

November 17, 2010 § Leave a comment

“I’m just looking for that person who will answer all my questions, who will tell me I’m just tired and then send me back to sleep.” – Frank Turner.

I’ve been a little lost of late, a little tired a little ill, a little too sane. My heads been in balance and I’ve been worrying a lot. This is not like me. Not one bit. Sometimes when I have an idea I run at it, head first and should I break my head on it, so be it. But with my America idea, I started to run, but got out of breath. Like so many people with ideas and dreams, I put it on a back burner, I put it on my to do list. Fuck to do lists? When did I become that sort of person? Is this what happens to all our dreams? For fuck sake man stop bitching and moaning your whole life. Grow up. Act your age. Such confusion and self loathing could lead to disaster. Maybe I’m just shit out of ideas? These mood swings keep coming and going. Everybody knows its all about the things that get stuck inside of your head and yes, we would love to buy a bottle of whiskey and just chase and chase and chase those things until we have them but we fucking can’t. We can’t because sometimes those things don’t want us, hold tight kid, your going to need that whiskey. So what do we do? When the things we want don’t want us? Back to that bottle kid? Go home and clean your blood? Fuck no, what are you six?. You find something else to want, something that will want you back. Of course, it’s so fucking simple THAT is what I’ll be doing with my life. And when your Heroes let you down? What Heroes? Find some new ones, they didn’t deserve you anyway.

 But wait, just one second, before we go running fresh faced into the world like a new born child. Just one second. What if we only wanted those things, those things and those heroes, because they didn’t want us? Maybe that’s what we find attractive. Is unattainably the height of attractiveness? Sure, we want something more after we know we can’t have it, we all know that, but does it define attraction? Are we really as far down the evolutionary diagram as we would like to think if there is a fundamental floor that big in all our brains? I was supposed to be fucking indestructible that’s what I was promised. God listen to me, I’m like Einstein’s retarded social-studies bother on coke scribbling on a blackboard. That was pure insanity. Take no notice of me, I’m just tired. I’ll keep you posted, I need to reply to your emails, especially yours Elizabeth.

Simon Blake

Short on ideas but not insanity


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