The sun also rises.

August 27, 2011 § Leave a comment

“I think I thought I saw you try.” R.E.M – Loosing my religion. 

Retrospect has always been in fashion. You have to be careful with it. In retrospect everyone’s an expert. Everyone see what went wrong and why. Then spit it out solutions in that “I-told-you-so” tone, like it’s what they have been saying all along. But it’s personal reflection that I think is the most valid. Retrospect of world events is a penny a pound, it’s oozes out of the every news outlet on the globe with a “why-didn’t-you-see-this-coming?” questioning of world leaders. It would be magical if one of them just replied ” Because I’m not fucking physic. Apparently, for the way you are talking, you are. Would you like a job in my administration? We could really use a guy like you so when an unexpected event turns I can come and put my boot up your arse.” Politics misses magic moments. Everyone is so clean cut. Slow, clear talkers make good liars, it gives them time to think. We need a Kennedy. The world needs a Kennedy. Shit. Another rant. Slow down.

I just deleted a paragraph of shit. Trust me. It wasn’t for you. It wasn’t even for me. Keep it together man. I want to fight. I really want to fight. I keep throwing these air punches and bobbing and weave and ducking and diving. Making sure I can bring my right in hard and fast after the initial shock hit from my left. It’s not that I want to hurt someone. It’s not. It’s just that I feel like I’ve locked myself away. Numbed everything that made me feel alive. I stay away from the things that I know hurt me. I box them off. I don’t even listen to that curious voice in my head anymore who just wants to know what’s around that corner? Or behind that door? Or who that pretty girl is? The fact is I want to feel that rush again. Of knowing that at any second a fist could come in and shatter my little bubble. I’m not saying I want the hit. I just want to feel the danger. To turn my body up. Back to the edge. To look into someones eyes and see that hate, that raw aggression, to know that all there is in the world between you and him is you and him. You are all that matters, there is nothing else. I miss it. I didn’t care if I won or lost. I just wanted to feel like I wanted to win. Like sex I suppose. You can take your computers and internet and mortgage payments and dictionaries and act grown up all you want. But we are carnal animals and at the end of the day, when the sun sets, we just want to feel alive. Rock n’ Roll does that too you. At least it should. When the road is quiet or you get the drink just right, keep your smack – Jack  or crack, if you get that music just right, in sync with the moment, then you got it man. Forget the world. It’s all you.

Utter madness.


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