Histories arc with your family with art, it don’t mean nothing, not to you not tonight.
August 1, 2012 § 1 Comment
“You’ve bronzed it it’s your bad.” It’s only your life – Kevin Devine.
That scene Trainspotting – when he sinks through the carpet.
I’m feeling easy. A girl on a bus spoke a phrase in a conversation I was gate-crashing. “My life is at a crossroads.” She said well her friend deafly nodded, listening without hearing, acknowledging the information before it even reached her and prematurely greeting it with a sense of acceptance. With that I left the conversation, having taken an out, a slip road, a jump off point. Isn’t life always a crossroads? Really? I mean people talk about “the straight and narrow” all the time, it’s confusing. If I was to drink a bottle of whiskey, 5 grams of cocaine and choose to tear through it in a night people would say “he went off the rails” like I’d slipped off some track. In my experience, in life people don’t slip. A slip is a choice or mistake caused by failure before the event. My point, my very strange, ironically twisted point is that if, like so many people suggest through many phrases, life is a road a crossroads is a crossroads, even if you go straight on with out thinking. God. I’m not sure I got that one.
I’m unsettled. I’m trying to pull it out, like there’s this nasty thread dug and rapped in my brain and I’m trying to pull it out, to think it out. It’s twisted, it’s folded, it’s deep. It’ll wait? I’m not sure. I used to sleep like a baby. I used to sleep alone. Hell, I used to do a lot things, so did you, and you know it. We all know it. Disappointment and moments of delirious happiness are the things that bind us. The moments are like films that stick, and rewind and play, fading with age in those lonely moments on buses and in empty beds. Those feelings, those moments that hit the blood. Like a train dropping in your veins, and pumping and coursing around like heaven. Like some passing drug, some guiltless, shameless, free drug, but not non-addictive, oh no, not non-addictive, and perhaps, no – certainly – more dangerous. More harmful. Harder to get off. Longer rehab. But time, cold-turkey and time will get you clean. No substitutes. No, they won’t help you were your going – painkillers don’t numb pain you have to get through – they just waste time.
No Longer an Astronaut.