The weight, the engine and the left corner in Albuquerque.

 

“I played video games in a drunken haze I was 17-years young.” – This Year – Mountain Goats. 

I felt my common sense slip as the weight hit my foot. With just the street lights, the car and the engine for company I was nearly pushing the pedal through the floor. I had gone steady for the 6 hours out of Albuquerque but once the weight hits your foot, that’s it, common sense can’t save you. The engine screamed under another sets of lights breaking only to chage gear. A long sweeping left handed corner gave me the feeling I was looking for, the reason the weight had hit my foot in the first place. I had overcooked it, I was sure of that, I had far too much speed. I could feel the back start to step out, I knew that I had to turn the wheel gradually to make it, I knew that a sharp turn would flip the car and roll me, I found it. I held it on the back wheel, it was a perfect moment, the balance of speed and physics and insanity, the limit of what the car was capable of found and achieved. Knowing, at any moment the the whole body could slip, drop or end. It dangerous to live like this. To seek out these moments. To do so is to suggest that there is something lacking in your life. No sane man would do this. No sane balanced mind needs the threat of a sharp, loud, abrupt ending to their life just to make it through a car journey. I’m not where I wanted to be at this point. There’s no key and no plan, but that’s OK. Hey. That’s OK. I’m getting there, you know? To where I want to be, I’m missing some stuff, yeah, but who isn’t? I can sort this, I know that, I’m missing pieces. If you complete, you’re finished. You’re done, you’re over.  I don’t want done. I don’t want over.