No more a rake and no more a bachelor.
October 21, 2012 § 1 Comment
“That’s how I became your humble narrator, to be living so easy and free. I expect that you think I should be haunted but it never really bothers me. Alright? Alright.” – Rake Song – The Decemberists.
The safety has been on for awhile now. I lived for years with no safety net, no catch. I was disgruntled, tired, a fighter. My moods would swing like the pendulum on an erratic grandfather clock. I was always moving. Trying to stay on it, chasing with a mad, wide eyed enthusiastic a solution to my angst. Little did I know that my problems were my poetry. My problems were my safety net. When you grow up you don’t miss the pain, the mind numbing depression of the heartbroken and strung out, the sleepless nights, the awkward social encounters. You remember them with the passing acknowledgment that they were a negative experience but, without thinking about it, you don’t remember how it felt. You don’t remember the utter helplessness, the twisting jealously, the feeling that the whole world was slipping through what was once a firm grasp. The brain is quick to forget the pain. It just takes the good. I can’t really blame it for that, it’s what I’ve trained it to do after all. It remembers being on fire. It remembers the bouncing enthusiasm. It remembers how it feels to seduce a girl you actually are interested in having sex with, instead of the cold, clinical, lover I became. I’ve been toying with ideas. Trying to seek this out. It’s better to behave like this, to screw and move on, is better than not hurting people. This was the conclusion I drew. I realised this was childish. It wasn’t them I was protecting. I had become everything I had hated at the price of becoming happy. This is what I wanted at the price I was not willing to pay. So now I have to decide. I have to decide if this is a phase or if this is for keeps. Do I want to be happy and boring or moral and crazy. I’ve been trying to feel in the dark for a middle ground. There is no middle ground is there. This is cocaine or cheese.
Cheese is nice, but cocaine is such a better read.
Am I right?