Watch me fall apart

December 25, 2013 § Leave a comment


Gimme shelter, show me heart.” – Ben Howard-Only Love

Show me love. It came easy today, all of it, just easy, all day. I just moved through it, smiling and laughing and falling in love with every moment. I could feel it so thick in the air at times it felt like I was swimming. Is this how normal people feel when they wake up in the morning? Those in high rise flats and estates and traffic jams and tube trains? Is this normal? I’m not sure I’ll ever know. But I know this, to experience something everyday is to see that feeling fade but not I feel with this. I could feel that a thousand mornings and not see that lenses flair dip into anything less.  I could feel that feeling roll around and swim in my blood each afternoon with a permanent smile spread wide across my face so bold and part of me that people would not recognise me without it. I could lay my head to rest each night safe in the knowledge that I could lie there and just feel it, just be, and know that to sleep was to wake up to it again.

As it seems to be for everyone at this time of year I spent time with some younger family members. The sort of age where Christmas is actually pure gold dust. For them it’s the pinnacle of all living. It’s everything. One moment stuck in my brain. Even while it was happening I could feel the effect it was taking on me. A younger family member, around 7 or 8, wanted to show me his new slinky toy, at which point he took me to a staircase in his house. He told me that his record for consecutive steps that he had got his slinky to go down was four. Only four. But, despite this record, he took that toy to the top of that 12 stair staircase. As mild and unremarkable event this would be to almost anyone else I couldn’t help but notice it. To stop and stair at it. Despite the restrictions of his own personal best, he simply had to go to the top. Just in case. Because to start anywhere else would be to limit his potential achievement, and that’s something he was just not willing to do. We should all be so hopeful.

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