April 30, 2014 § 1 Comment
“Going to need another and another and another and another I can feel it now. I felt alone in my fathers house.”- Shake it out. Manchester Orchestra
I thought about the devil and the peace I hope that I had found. I never did buy all the way into believing in God, the devil though? I’m pretty sure I saw him in the mirror a couple of times. I ran from my problems. I took what was left of my conciousness, lifeless and limp body, stuck on a parachute and rolled out of the plane’s open door from 50,000. I didn’t expect to learn to fly on the way down. To be honest when I started I wasn’t even sure if I was going to pull on that cord before the ground came up to me. I just wanted to know if I’d feel alive on the way down.
The trip I was on was the way down. It didn’t come on fast like I thought it would. There was no sudden and simple and easy redemption here. I wasn’t going to save my life from where I was in a day even if I thought that was a chance it could. Like I could just take the plunge and let the shock from that deep, cold water rattle me into safety and hope and happiness. Turns out that it was just the start of the long slow road at least I was on the road, taking my own slow steps, dragging my feet but moving forward.
The way I felt there are no quick fixes and I was naive to expect one. I needed a change, a shock, an education and something new. I needed to be rattled and shaken and pushed away from my comfort zone for no reason other than to see if it would break me. If that was all I was worth. If that was all I could hack. My comfort zone.
So I boarded a plane. It took me 10,000 miles from home and when I touched down I was not done. I had miles to drudge and booze to drink and people to meet and the world to see. Maybe it’s a distraction? Maybe it’s just me turning circles on the road to recovery. But, for now at least. I feel OK. And I’m not going to lie. It was touch and go for a little bit there.