If seeing is believing then I believe that I have lost my eyes

July 17, 2014 § Leave a comment

I tried once, I tried twice I am done.” – Manchester Orchestra – April Fool


did it to find out. I did it because I honestly wasn’t sure what I was going to feel. I needed to find out if I had meant every word that I had said. I pushed it up into fourth on the winding country road and came back on the power too soon sending out a high pitch whine from the engine. Then fifth. I still didn’t feel it. I left it late, broke hard and threw the weight of the car into the next corner. The tyres were right on the limit, letting out a little screech before finding grip again. I reach to turn up the radio. I still didn’t feel it. Back up through the gears, back up to top speed. I still don’t feel it. I put the drivers side window down and the wind thrashes in just as it starts to come on. For that moment my senses are smothered by the onslaught. The screaming engine and the guitars and drums and screaming singer all fighting it out over the violent and unforgiving noise of the air I’m hitting at nearly 90. Just for a second it feels like I’m floating, just an inch or two above where I really am but at last I start to feel it. My heart goes a little faster and for one beautiful moment it feels like I’ve lost all control of the situation, all the noise and the passing scenery just blurs into one glorious distraction and that takes hold of me. In that moment I feel it, in that moment I am free.

I see the corner fast approaching and I’m still in the moment, still screaming down the road at nearly 100. It’s coming towards me. It’s going to need action. I thought about it. I honestly did. I thought about closing my eyes in the noise and the wind, pressing my foot onto the accelerator and just keeping it there. Just forgetting about it all and just making the feeling stick. For a reason I cannot explain, for a reason I’m yet to find out, I squeezed the brake pedal and came back down to reality. Everything that I had been pushing myself so far to get away from came back like a heavy chain around my neck.

I was surprised to feel it this time, even if it was just for a moment. Even if I had to push myself as far as maybe I could. I was surprised that it was waiting for me there. I had forget what that felt like. Time to shake this rutt.


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