Don’t dissolve into bar stools.

January 26, 2015 § Leave a comment


“I asked for the future but she only sang me a song.” The Easy Mark and the old maid – Bad Books. 

You wouldn’t have to ask.

We’d come a long way. We couldn’t remember really our where we’d started, how far exactly there was between then and now in time or space, but we knew it was a long way back. Maybe we didn’t want to remember, maybe we didn’t need to too. Either way, we’d arrived at now and we were content to be here. What I’d learnt in the journey that we had made was that I’ve found myself to be always chasing. Forever in the hunt of that forever dangling carrot. Never getting there. Never content. I’m not saying that I always achieved what I wanted too. Not even close. It’s just when my aim shifted, through failure or success, I never took time to be content in the moment. I always wanted what I couldn’t have, that’s why I wanted it. So what? Would this realisation mean that I would suddenly change? Start being content and sell everything I own and start living as a monk crossed legged in a cave? Fuck no. That’s not me. That’s not us.

I think we’re beyond it. Don’t you? I thought at least. I used to call it blood dance. I used to feel it sing in my veins like hope. Like it feels when you’re young. It’s starting to creep back up on me now I think. But I think it’s the last chance saloon for this. I honestly think this might be it for all this. Not in a defeatist way. Not in a way during which I bob my head in a well rehearsed way.  In a realistic way. I know. I know that this is it. I know that I haven’t passed up my last chance, I’m grateful for that.

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